The messiness of Life!

So much of my pain in life comes from expectations of life to not be messy. For life to be exactly how I want it to be, how I wish it would be, for ME to be how I wish I was and the crushing disappointment and sadness that comes from it not being.

For some reason, I find it so much easier to allow others to be messy, complex or imperfect than I do myself and yet my unique trauma journey & health issues actually means that I need waaay more permission to not be okay, to be imperfect, to feel unwell, to let people down, to rage, to disappoint or even (dare I say it) upset people!

I'd love to say that I have solved this delicious little puzzle and that I now walk around unashamedly messy, doing whatever I need to do and being whatever I am in that particular moment. But I'd be lying and I hate lying!

So my truth is that I work on this every day.

I practise actively reminding myself that I am now choosing to allow myself to be as I am, I practise lovingly connecting with my heart and with the parts of me that feel scared or threatened or furious and I practise letting go of the need to always be okay for the benefit of everyone around me.

It is not easy! And some days, I can't do it and that's when I practise self-forgiveness and showing myself grace.

An example of this is that I have just returned from a 2 week holiday to The Azores (highly recommend if you love nature and wildlife and activities and not many people!). I am going through a period of a huge amount of healing and grieving at the moment plus ALOT of hormonal related issues (the issue being I have none and it's bad!).

On the holiday a huge part of me desperately wanted it to be perfect, for me to feel perfect and well and grateful and joyful and happy all the time. Bless that part of me, alot of pressure no?

The wiser, more kind, more compassionate part of me kept reminding me that wherever I go I take me with me and that it's okay to have bad days, even on holiday, even if there are loads. And some bad days I really did have. Some of them I battled with and some of them I wisely surrendered to. And which ones do you think were the easiest to deal with? I think we all know the answer.

So I chose to surrender as much as I could, to allow the messiness of life, of my ever changing mind and body and to let whatever needed to happen, happen. Embracing the beautiful, complex, multifaceted messiness of life.

So let me give you radical permission to be messy and imperfect and complicated and perfect just as you are.